Date Night - An Endangered Species?

I hope everybody had a wonderful Christmas.  With all the illness and colds that spread through the house like wildfire, the littlest members of the family and myself elected to not attend Midnight Mass this year.  Instead, my husband took the older children to Midnight Mass, and then late the next morning we all attended the Mass of Christmas Day, where Mr. Firstborn of course served.  We invited our pastor and his assistant over for dinner along with another church friend, and it was lovely.  What a wonderful way to begin this beautiful season of Christmas -- we celebrate Christmas for the twelve days from December 25 to January 6, feast of the Epiphany.  We continue to celebrate Epiphany until January 13, which is the day we commemorate the Baptism of Our Lord in the Jordan by St. John the Baptist, whereupon on the 13th or 14th we take down our tree and stow all the decorations for another year.

Many events have occurred this year, including the loss of some friends and relatives.  With their loss, it's important to not only reflect on the fact that one day we will surely be joining them in the cemetery, but also to reflect on what we'd better do to make the most profitable use of the time given to us.  And by "profitable" I mean spiritually profitable.  Hitting home most powerfully has been the stark fact that our marriages and families are under fiercer attack than ever before.  And since I know that most certainly I will be dead one day and will have to face God, maybe I'd better start with where I am right now -- the little ol' American housewife.

I have put off this particular post, having started it a number of times, then abandoning it for something less difficult and controversial.  But a New Year is coming up; maybe this is the time to finally speak my mind on something that I have been percolating through my brain for a very long time. 

We already know numbers, statistics and what-not.  There is no point in regurgititating stuff we already know about the abysmal state of marriages in the country.  So I thought maybe I'd talk about date night.

We used to go on dates when we were dating -- also called courting.  You know -- talk about anything and everything, we were on our best manners, etc.  We got to know each other a little better before making the decision that would forever change the course of our lives.

But the truth is that you never really know the person completely even once you get married and there is still so much to learn.  Realities of everyday life tend to be quite harsh.  And there are more responsibilities, children are born, faults we either thought we had overcome or never thought we had in the first place are brought to the surface, in short we begin to show ourselves for the sinners we are. 

Now, two people with a firm foundation in their Faith know this will happen and they deal with these things as they come up.  But it not only takes a firm foundation in Faith.  It is important to keep in mind that we are married couples, not monks or nuns.  As such, we have certain steps we must take in addition that are ordered to our state in life.  And in our particular state in life, while we must begin and end with prayer, sacrifice, and self-knowledge, we also have a further obligation to sincerely and truly sound the depths of who our spouse really is.  That means coming to that person without preconceived notions, asking sincere questions and truly listening to what they have to say.  Or, if you struggle with preconceived notions, stating from the beginning what notions you are struggling with and why.  If you do that from the beginning, it provides a starting point from which those notions can be addressed thoughtfully. 

It also means sincerely apologizing when apologies are in order.  It means believing the other person to be sincere, to believe that both of you have one goal in mind -- the salvation of your souls within the Sacrament into which both of you have cast your lives. 

Hypothetically, let's assume that there's a situation in which there's been a lot of hurt.  Things have happened that have been quite traumatic to one of the parties involved.  Consequently, this party has taken actions that have ended up hurting the other, perhaps mistakenly, and so forth, and this goes on for years.  And one glaring omission in this entire scenario is that they got so caught up in raising children, dealing with day-to-day stresses and so forth, that they didn't address the underlying problems.  They neglected each other and their marriage.  It happens all the time.

They stopped "dating" each other.  The kids eventually grow up and move away; there is nothing quite as sad as seeing a couple whose children are gone and they are alone, wondering what happened and looking at each other with the thought, "I hardly know you."

So you have to start dating each other again.  And yes, you have to do it when the children are still little.  You cannot wait until the oldest are old enough to babysit, or until you move closer to Aunt Millie so she can watch the little ones. 

You also do not have to wait until your budget permits the spending of a certain amount of money twice a month.  A date does not have to include the spending of one single cent -- well, you must pay the babysitter if you need to hire one.  But you can pack a picnic lunch if going out to dinner is not something you can work into your budget.  A date can take place anywhere, anytime, under any circumstances.  It can be a nice walk on some hiking trails near your home, or through your neighborhood.  It can be an "at-home" date where the kids eat early and are put to bed early so that later in the evening you have time with just the two of you (this works well when you have very young children).

In fact, I would say that my last suggestion is the most important one of all -- if you start to disconnect from your spouse, having an evening completely freed up by getting the little ones settled early and then devoting the entire evening to your spouse, discussing important topics (and keeping in mind that some of them can be uncomfortable) is extremely important.  The children are still little, so this is the time to resolve differences, renew commitments, apologize to one another as necessary, and become strengthened in unity and love for one another before the kids get older.  Because the hard truth is that the longer you wait to do these important things, the older the kids get, and they sense your disconnect as a couple, which does not lead to anything good.   

Planning a date night involves many steps -- deciding what to do, where to go, when to go, getting the children's dinner, taking care of last-minute chores that must be done beforehand, arranging for babysitting services, if it will be an overnight stay this latter step is even more important.  For an overnight stay, it's best for both husband and wife to make arrangements together just by the nature of things (oftentimes Mom knows which of the babysitters is the best for overnight stays).  But for a few hours away, I have a very distinct feeling that many wives would love it if their husbands took care of the details such as making plans and arranging for the babysitter to come.  It takes you back to your youth and the days when you were still anticipating what life would be like together, with all its hopes and dreams. 

Little things like this help keep the romance alive.  Now, I'll be the first one to admit that romance is a fuzzy thing that really hasn't a lot of substance -- we all know that -- but a little bit never hurt anybody and it can do wonders for someone who gets snowed under, frumpy, tired and cross.  It really can work magic.

Here are some ideas that I have developed as to what I think are important points for "date night" if you have gotten out of the habit and allowed things to build up:

1.  Set aside time to focus only on your spouse and on God.  This means no other distractions -- do not allow the kids, the cellphone, the computer or anything else interfere with this time.  You are sending the message to your spouse, "You are of great importance to me and I value you to such an extent that I am not going to allow others to encroach on this time I have set aside for you."  (Obvious exceptions to this rule are if one of the kids breaks an arm or requires an emergency appendectomy.)

2.  It's fine to watch a movie or something like that together, but don't let that consume your date.  If you have a lot of painful problems that need to be worked out, it's best to break them down into small bits and deal with them, before focusing on entertainment. 

2.b.  This is an extension of the previous -- not every date will necessarily be pleasant.  A date night is a time when you should address difficult areas if you need to do that.  It is important to select one topic and adhere to that topic alone without wandering into the other areas, so you can stay focused. 

2.c.  Another extension -- before addressing difficult topics, a resolution needs to be made on the part of both not to get angry and to come at the problem with the notion that we now will move forward and put the past behind us.  Also, each party should be able to freely express their thoughts on the matters without the other person becoming defensive and making it unsafe to discuss the topics for fear of giving offense and causing a further rift.  Then the entire topic should be capped with positive encouragement and consequently an increase of love between the two, because they have now been able to finally put that behind them.

3.  Deal with each "bit" on a separate date, so you don't get too overwhelmed with problem-solving.

4.  Remember that men and women are very different human beings.  They think differently, they process information differently and they speak differently.  If you aren't very familiar with these differences, read one of the very good books available on this subject to help you understand your spouse a little better.  Then discuss it with your spouse, because one size never did fit all and your spouse is a unique individual.  You want to get to know him or her, not just a general picture of what he or she "might" be like.  A general picture, however, gives you a vital point of departure.

5.  Remember that "date night" is like marriage.  Here's a news flash:  marriage isn't about the two of you at all!  It's about society and stability.  Only selfish people believe it's all about them.  Trust me, I am a child of divorce.  I know other children of divorce.  We can all attest that growing up without one of our parents is painful and we carry that the rest of our lives.  Most of us enter our own marriages knowing that we would rather die than put our children through divorce.  People used to realize that marriage was about stability and society, so they stuck it out even through the most difficult times.  And you know what?  The difficulties never lasted forever.  More often than not, once the difficulties were finally addressed, solved, mutual forgiveness given and the journey resumed renewed, they found that what they had now was far better than anything they could have imagined! 

Even in the bleakest moments, keeping an eye on the big picture is what keeps folks resolved to stick with it, remain honorable to what they said on that day either not so long ago, or maybe many, many years ago. 

On Christmas Day we received a phone call from one of my husband's aunts and uncles.  This particular uncle was my husband's best man at our wedding, and Mr. Firstborn was named after him.  We enjoyed our phone visit and catching up on their lives over this past year.  This aunt/uncle couple is also the only one left on this side of the family -- the other aunt and other uncle are now both widowed. 

One of the sad pieces of news that they had to pass on to us was that another aunt had passed away on Christmas Eve.  This aunt had been widowed exactly three years prior, almost to the day, after forty-eight years of marriage. 

We briefly talked about this aunt and uncle who have now passed into eternity after the phone call ended -- mostly, we sat in silence thinking about it all. 

So you think everything's hopeless?  This can't "possibly get any better," you say?  Think again. 

How does it all look in the light of eternity?

They can get better.  They can get better beyond what you ever dreamed.  But it takes two to make it work.  Make that decision today to make it better than you ever believed it could be.  Your spouse is a gift to you from God, and your spouse is another poor human creature like you are, just as much of a sinner as you are, and just as in need of salvation as you are.  And during this Christmas season, while we reflect on the destitution of the Divine Infant and how He came into this world in all the humiliation of poverty, sleeping in an animals' feed-trough, for the sole purpose of dying an excruciating death that we might live, do you think you can find it somewhere in your heart to realize that if God would do all this for ungrateful human beings, then how grave is your own obligation to forgive your neighbor -- and start with the one you're married to?

And not just forgive -- renew.  Resolve to behave differently from now on.  It will be the best New Year's resolution you will ever make.